Body All the Way Down
a new essay published in The Rumpus & a podcast interview about all things writing
My essay “Body All the Way Down”— a story about almost-loss, mortality, the extent we can go to attempt to save the ones we love (and the ways we abandon ourselves in the process), shrinking and allowing ourselves to grow, and daring to be (in) a body—was published this week in The Rumpus. You can read it here:
A friend asked me yesterday about my process of writing this piece, and because so much is invisible and obscured when all we inherit is the published version of something, I thought I’d share with readers of The Liminal a bit behind the scenes.
“Body All the Way Down” is definitely the most vulnerable thing I’ve written, and seeing it in print brings up a host of feelings. I excavated so much in order to bring one of my darkest periods of life into words. The other day, after reading it out loud to Tobias (who has been along for the ride of writing it over the past few years and is my most trusted reader/listener), he asked me, “Now that you’ve finished this piece, if you were asked to write it again, could you do it?” My answer was an honest “I’m really not sure I could.”
I have been working on, and adding layers to, this story (both on the page and in my body) for over a decade. I began putting it into essay form back in 2021, and in the years since have reworked and reshaped it, in conversation with a few trusted early readers. It went through several rounds of rejection (tune into the podcast interview below for a conversation about befriending rejection) at other literary magazines before finding a home in The Rumpus last fall. The editing process took place through the blurry months of early postpartum, where the distance between myself and the narrator felt even more pronounced.
Writing this piece was a process of forgiving myself for a period of life I’ve struggled so long to come to terms with. To my inevitable inner critic that asks questions like “who are you to write this?” and “who cares?”—the same voice I work with other writers in WITHIN to acknowledge and move beyond, by uncovering what other voices hide behind this often-loud one—I return to my why. Ultimately, it’s important to me to share this story because, in the depths of disorder and recovery, I couldn’t locate myself in many of the narratives I was reading at the time. As with every essay I write, it is my hope that someone might read this and feel less alone in their experience. And maybe take to the page themselves.
Thank you to The Rumpus, one of my very favorite spaces on the internet for writing, for once again being a home for my most tender, intimate, rawest work (you can read my past essay, “Terra Incognita,” here).
I could not have hoped for a better developmental editor for this piece than
at The Rumpus. Thank you Jamie for all the heart and care you showed my story. Jamie writes a beautiful Substack I highly recommend called on “when and why we change our minds—and how it makes us better.”Finally, the biggest thank you of all to my people, those of you who hung in there with me, who saw me through. You know who you are. I wrote this for you.
For an extended conversation on all things writing and process, I was recently a guest on the podcast Writing with Friends, hosted by Hillary Barnes Martinez and BJ Williams. In it, we discuss:
writing craft and process
befriending rejection in the publication process
anthropological writing and ethnographic storytelling
the relationship between academic writing and creative nonfiction
motherhood and writing
favourite writing resources and inspirations
the importance of literary community
…and much more!
I loved being a part of this conversation with Hillary and BJ, and hope you enjoy. If you happen to listen, let us know what it stirs!
Enjoyed listening to this podcast episode! And congrats on The Rumpus too. :)